To the love of my life – my unborn embryo-
My little embryo, I am on my way to meet you. My eyes are filled with happy and hopeful tears. You are only a bundle of cells at this point, yet, to me, you are my whole world, you are my love, my baby.
I want to welcome you into a happy body and help you develop strong. But I know, you will ultimately choose what is best for you. I wanted to write in here how thankful I am for everything you have taught me so far. Don’t get me wrong, you still have lots to teach me, cause I have much to learn, but I really feel you have helped me learn many beautiful things. For example, I love myself more than ever. I also feel stronger (mentally and physically), but I believe your best lesson so far, has been about unconditional love. And that is the love that today, is allowing me to give you absolute freedom.
After tomorrow you will be in the home that I have taken all my life to prepare for you, my body. I am told that it is looking pretty comfy. I would like for you to think the same and decide to stay there for 9 months. While I help you develop. – No pressure- :0
I love you so much that I literally cry every time I think of you. I think of you as the sunshine, the blue sky, the beautiful trees, the ocean and also, as all other magical things I can’t see but I can feel.
I would feel so freaking honoured to be your mother. I would tell everyone with pride that you are my child. I would kiss you every time hoping that each of my kisses reassures you that YOU are loved.
While I am so excited to meet you, I am also crying with grief. Because this is also the beginning of the end. For after tomorrow, I will no longer pursue having my own biological child through more fertility treatments. I hope this does not feel heavy on your shoulders. But is something I feel certain about and I can’t help but feel emotional. So, while you are my last hope at being a biological mom, you are also my biggest accomplishment and regardless of whether or not you stay, you will forever live in my memory as my ONE. My one egg that became my only healthy embryo, my warrior that survived all adversity, my little Penguin as I have been calling you since the day they froze you.
As I am riding in this train to Toronto, sitting next to your dad and writing these words, I can’t help but feel nervous. I know that no matter what, we will be ok. But, I want to keep my mind as positive and as hopeful as possible, so I will follow my own advise and rather than thinking about what I do not want to occur, I will visualize how I imagine you.
I imagine you as a happy, calm, curious baby. With big beautiful eyes, always smiling. Great temper. Persistent and intelligent. You are healthy everywhere. You will have your dad’s big heart and you will be social and friendly. You will like having attention on you, you will do big things. You will be humble, understanding and emotional. You will enjoy my tenderness and you fill find refuge in my arms.
You will love to eat arepitas (Colombian food) and you will love to travel just like your parents do. Lastly, you will know how much we looked for you and I know that you will feel thankful of our reunion too.
To all the spiritual beings who follow me and love me ( I am mostly talking to the grandparents and other ancestors), I need you guys to unite in strength and meet me in the power of love, so that I am ready to welcome life within me. I desire this with the best and most pure of intentions. Can you all meet me tomorrow at 10:30 am (time of my embryo transfer)? You know where to find me, you always do.
I will end this letter by telling you my little embryo that while I dream of one day holding you in my arms, smelling your soft skin and getting lost in your eyes…I will hold space for you to determine your own destiny because that’s what unconditional love is after all.
Love,
Mom.